So Many What-Ifs

Below you’ll find my (unedited) entry for Round 1 of the NYC Midnight Rhyming Story Challenge 2024.

My assignment was:

Genre: Romance
Theme: Put out to pasture
Emotion: Happy

“We always knew the time would come
to say goodbye to dear old Tom!
For forty years this was your life,
alas, you couldn’t find a wife!
Tonight we’re gonna send you home
to live your final days alone!”

Teeth clenched, eyes dark, Tom forced a smile,
nodded along to the laughs and the song.
He knew they’d rehearsed this skit for a while,
though it was well-known this was not quite his style.

“Let’s raise our glasses in the air,
to toast the guy with graying hair!
He’s not much fun, and plain to boot,
and never looked good in a suit!
But still, we’ll miss him all the same,
to Tom, our man of lame acclaim!”

Cheers all around, they thumped Tom’s back.
“Kidding!” they winked, as they poured him a drink.
He knew that was true, but still, this old gag,
hit so close to home, it felt like an attack.

Folks laughed, and danced, and wished him well.
Stories were told, as they joked he looked old.
He hoped they would not be able to tell,
that he felt a sadness too vast to dispel.

Lights out, doors closed, he felt a weight
settle inside, his world narrowed, lost light.
He sighed, wiped his eyes, dejection could wait.
His cat would be restless, annoyed, or irate.

Once home, he called “Papaya, food!”
Waited for her to meow, hiss, or purr.
He frowned, had she really skulked off to brood?
Her unlikely absence sure worsened his mood.

Nerves frayed, he headed out the door.
Panic grew near, an irrational fear.
He fought his dark thoughts, and tried to ignore
The tendrils of tension coiled tight at his core.

Eyes wet, he paced the quiet street.
Scanning the road, with his heart in his throat.
He whistled, intoned her name on repeat.
Just when he’d lost hope, he heard steps on concrete.

A woman called out, “Tom, is that you?”
Followed, Tom thought, by a meow soft and fraught.
He turned to the sound, relieved to see Sue,
his favorite neighbor; his cat liked her too.

She purred in Sue’s arms. “How did you break free?”
Laughing, Sue said, “She’s as smart as they get!”
He smiled at them both, “On that we agree.”
She looked in his eyes, “Can I get you some tea?”

He stammered, “I… wouldn’t want to impose…”
“Please, do come in!” she implored with a grin.
He blushed, acquiesced, looked down at his toes,
the spark in her eyes had melted his woes.

He followed her in, house cozy and warm,
and felt at ease, a profound sense of peace.
His cat had jumped down, and Sue touched his arm.
She winked, and he felt entranced by her charm.

She made them some tea, and offered him cake,
which tasted great, and she talked while he ate.
“You look like you might be needing a break,
you’re working nonstop! That’s too much to take.”

Sue smiled, “When we talk, it’s such a delight.”
Tom swallowed his bite, eyes suddenly bright,
said, “Well, I’m retired, starting tonight.”
“How lovely!” She hugged him, touch feather-light.

She poured him more tea, “You have any plans?”
“To travel, or… dance?” She shot him a glance.
He let out a sigh, too drained to pretend,
“I dread an excess of time on my hands.”

“I shouldn’t complain. It’s just… I don’t know…
I’d hoped that by now, I’d know where to go.”
“You’ll figure it out, someway or somehow.”
“You think so?” he asked, and furrowed his brow.

“The store where I work has got a cafe…”
she smiled, “Just drop by, or stay there all day…”
“Would there be a way…” Tom coughed, his mouth dry,
“For us, I just mean, to date, you and I?”

He groaned, closed his eyes, “I’m sorry, I’ll leave.”
He got up to go, but Sue grabbed his sleeve.
“The answer is yes; you’re kind and sincere.
Tomorrow, perhaps? Just pick me up here.”

“Okay,” Tom agreed, elated but dazed.
Sue beamed as she placed her hand on his waist.
A sleepy Papaya yawned at their feet.
Tom smiled, “For this night, I owe her a treat.”

I received an honorable mention but didn’t advance to Round 2 (presumably because of the experimental rhyme scheme/meter I used. Which was intentional, but probably a little too ambitious, especially considering the tight deadline).

If you’re interested in reading the feedback I received, click here.

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY –

• {2022}  The scene between Tom and Sue focuses on body language and subtle physical cues, which really feels true to life. A lot of times when there is an attraction, but not a relationship yet, we communicate more with actions than with words.
• {2377}  I thought this was a very sweet story, which made me smile at the end, because I found it so lovely. I thought you did a great job by juxta positioning Tom’s job he’s leaving with the start of his new life. Although his former co-workers don’t seem to mean harm, what they say clearly gets under his skin and is rather quite insensitive and thoughtless. This comes through in your story really well, and your reader can sense Tom’s despair and his feelings of dread and helplessness. Sue’s appearance with his beloved cat Papaya is a wonderful way to introduce the next stage of his life, and a hopefully happy and content retirement for Tom. Regarding the rhyme, I thought you challenged yourself with a rather difficult pattern, but stuck to it and mastered it incredibly well. Well done!
• {2375}  I like how you set up a strong negative mood through the “kidding” ridicule at Tom’s goodbye party, that is then enhanced through the tension of Papaya disappearing. The reader shares Tom’s despair since the cat is all he has. With this sad setup, the positive ending with Sue is satisfying and hopeful.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK –

• {2022}  There are two main threads here as far as Tom’s character arc: his job, and romance. Of course, these ideas are interconnected, but I feel as though you could dig deeper into that connection moving forward. In verse 1 “For forty years this was your life, alas, you couldn’t find a wife” felt a little on the nose, whereas Tom’s admission near the end (“I’d hoped that by now, I’d know where to go.”) rings more true.
• {2377}  A very small note on an otherwise great rhyming pattern which you followed consistently: Once home, he called “Papaya, food!” Waited for her to meow, hiss, or purr. He frowned, had she really skulked off to brood? Her unlikely absence sure worsened his mood. The second line is pushing the rhyming a little, with meow and purr not quite matching as lovely as in all your other stanzas. I’m being super-picky, I am aware of that, but wanted to point it out so you may be able to amend it for the future. The rest is absolutely great! 
• {2375}  Some of the rhyming didn’t quite flow as well as it could. I suggest reading out loud to hear the rhythm and pacing of your stanzas, and identify any that sound awkward. In some ways, this sounds like two related stories rather than one narrative. I suggest including some hint to Sue earlier in the story so that when the reader ‘meets’ her there is already a feeling of familiarity and possibility about their relationship.